After a couple weeks of clearly being taught my need to submit to the Lord in so many areas of my life… I’m afraid last night – “I” won the battle. My flesh – totally won the battle.
It started as I lay on the couch with my computer in my lap trying to find a cheap room in Nairobi for our trip next week. After a long weekend, I had managed to drag out the rug the day before, scrub it clean, wash down all the walls, clean the floors, everything was clean and I had just taught my only class this week due to the funeral of our neighbor. I was a bit wiped. I laid there looking around at my clean rug, my clean floors and my clean bare walls.
Our walls are solid bricks with a very hard concrete like material plastered over it. There is no hanging of pictures or such. So, I had a friend make some boards that he would drill into the wall on which I can hang things. I asked for them two months ago. Last night – THEY CAME!!! Yeah, so excited!
Sweet, gentle Jeff, came in with his son, having walked over in the rain, just before dark. Ooohhh – I had just cleaned the floors. Well – I can sweep again, mop if I have to. Then he began to use his handsaw and hand-drill to complete his work. Not in one spot, but in every room he had something to hang. Oh there was no leveling, so on one of the boards, it is 6 inches higher on one end than on the other. Many things not done as I requested but he would say, “Mum, let it be this way, it is good”.
Mean while, Derrick came in. So happy to see us he didn’t even take his shoes off, which he has become accustomed to doing. By now it’s pouring outside and it’s very dark. Despite the fact that we had EVERY lantern, flashlight and candle lit, every board is bowed and crocked and now sweet Derrick has just tracked in more mud than I thought possible and anxious to greet me as I sat on the couch, which sits on my rug… ughhh — you get the picture right?
All this – I could literally feel the battle inside my heart. I had just cleaned house, I had just scrubbed the rug that morning, pulling it in after it had dried in the sun, I had just wiped down all the walls… and… now… It was all I could do to try NOT to show my attitude.
I’m guessing that Derrick’s hightailing it out of there when Jeff left – was an indication I hadn’t been successful.
DEATH TO SELF — IT’S ALL GONNA BURN! Two phrases I have heard taught and repeated so often it is a “slogan” of such among my Home Fellowship Family of over 20 years. I kept hearing that, but… but… LOOK AT THIS!!!!
I said to Randy as I walked all over the house with my arm stretched up to measure the height of the boards… yep each one of them drastically un-leveled. And LOOK at my rug!!!!
I had to vent somewhere – so – I chose my text group with my kids. Blah blah blah, babble, babble babble. Pushing send so fast, filling the next text even faster, slamming out all that gripping and complaining… concluding I clearly am not cut out for this missionary thing.
“You need to take those thoughts captive” one of my daughters shoots back. I wanted to tell her to put her face right here (((( X ))))). But I knew she was right. Corrected and humbled by the mother of my grandchildren. Just great!
Now in bed, I start to cry. God, I am so sorry. I am SO sorry. Will I ever learn to submit to YOU? Will I ever learn to lay down this ridiculous self? In this place so far from home. You are working in my heart. You are constantly reminding me… “Kari, Kari, you are worried and troubled about many things… BUT One thing is needed, chose that good part, which will not be taken away!”