Worth it all….

I suspect I sound like an emotional roller coaster some times. And to confess… I feel like it most of the time.

I know God has placed us here for this time. I know this wholeheartedly. And I am blessed with the honor and privilege to be here and to be a part of the work HE is doing. Sometimes I am in complete awe of all He is doing!

It’s hard then to explain the constant grief in my spirit. It’s always there. It’s always threatening to pull me into some kind of dark hole of depression. I have really learned what “take every thought captive unto the obedience of Christ” means.

Sometimes I get Embassy reports or hear of news in Kenya, terror attracts, attacks diverted at places we frequent, or attacks on churches… and a fear can rise. But that fear is easy for me to release to a courage I have in Christ.

Sometimes I look at the finances and I get anxious, not knowing how we will do what we feel certain is His leading. But I can usually find myself casting that into His always faithful hands of provision.

But the grief that is always there… Simmering… Steaming… This is my biggest challenge. I miss my life back home. Not so much my life… But relationships… Which were my life!

God had blessed me so much! I thought I realized it… But it is true… You don’t really know what have… Until it’s gone!

I miss those I worked with every day, ministering to a group of people I so deeply love. I miss the weekly appointments for coffee and the Word… Where God blessed me with iron sharpening iron relationships. I miss my home fellowship and my weekly prayer groups. I miss sisters who could look at me and just know… Those who would immediately come in closer to offer love and comfort and prayer. I miss special friends who would marvel together with me as God would reveal Himself and teach and give understanding in His Word! I miss my two mamas and my daddy, I miss my family, I miss my children… Being a part of their lives as they walk through struggles and victories. I miss Saturday morning breakfasts! I miss my best girl friend in the whole world (my baby girl) lying on the bed just sharing, laughing, loving, talking of The Lord and praying together. And… Maybe worse of all…. I miss the children who are growing up without their Nanny.

These relationships are all so important to me and honestly… I grieve them daily.

I wonder if Adam felt it? Surely he grieved for the daily relationship he had with the Father! I wonder how he must have pondered that bite.

For me… My separation, my grief, is a result of obedience to my God. And as I pray over and over, asking God to take away the pain… I have so definitely and specifically heard… “My grace is sufficient for you.” And, indeed it is.

I think it’s in this grief that I have known and tasted His grace in a way I might never have. I am constantly reminded that my Lord and Savior is worth every ache, every tear, every lonely moment.

I don’t share this looking for pity or anything really. I am sharing this because we all need to know… To remember…. that this is not our home. Any “suffering” any “grief” cannot compare with the glory that is before us! We all have something in our lives that is simply the opportunity for the grace of Jesus Christ to abound in our heart and lives.

For me, it is my heart of missing the ones I love so dearly. Yet the comfort I am promised is wrapped in an assurance that as we share a faith in The One Who has redeemed my soul, faith in the One and True Living God, that one day soon, we will be reunited and the joy that will ensue… the fellowship that will occur… and the togetherness we will have will be worth it all!!!

6 thoughts on “Worth it all….

  1. As I miss my grandchildren I will pray for you missing yours. Following our Lords direction is not easy but so worth it. Love you.

  2. This is such a gift to your children that you are so honest and upfront with your thoughts and feelings! Growing up a missionary kid from a different generation my mom and dad didn’t express such things. My mom was very stoic and to this day I grieve the relationship I could have had with her but didn’t – I know once she shared that she just had to turn us over to the Lord and so she did but I think that resulted in less communication – or perhaps it was just me but to have the gift of what you wrote will bridge many things. Since my mom passed away over 10 years ago – my dad has been so much more expressive and we know now hard it was for him to be away from all of us.

    Thank you so much for writing this!

    Janet

  3. You are never far from the thoughts of many of us and our prayers. It will be worth it all when He calls us up; it’s the day to day that’s the struggle but more profoundly, the opportunity to see such amazing grace. I miss my Katie and am coming to terms with the fact that she won’t be coming back to live in Florida…at least coming to terms with it to a degree. I am missing seeing her grow in her relationships and her service to the Lord and chatting with her about all the “girly things”…then I think of those who lived in a time when their families rode away in a covered wagon, or sailed off on a ship and how some never heard from them again and I know that I am blessed to live in this time. I don’t know how people walk their days out without the Lord. The greatest glory we can know on earth is when we jump off the cliff and into the arms of Christ. His plans are only for our good.
    -Sandy

    • Yep… You can ‘come to terms’, you can accept and you can willingly obey… But the missing never stops. Oh I do ask for the pain to be lifted but I suspect I don’t really even want that. It reminds me of how blessed I am with this amazing family He has gifted me with AND it gives opportunity for His grace upon grace to abound ever more!!!

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